-Giant carrot-

Two women are digging in the garden. One pulls out a foot-long carrot.
She says, "This one reminds me of my husband's."
The second woman says, "Your husband's is that long?"
"No, that dirty."

-Paraplegic-

There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements.
She wanted a man who...
1) would treat her nicely
2) wouldn't run away from her
3) would be good in bed.
Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring.
She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.
"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."
"Yes, but are you good in bed?"
"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

-God is watching the apples-

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary schoolfor lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, "Take only one. God iswatching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was alarge pile of chocolate chip cookies.A child had written a note,
"Take all you want. God is watching the apples."